


I'm sorry

by Lauren_Flowerpot



Category: A Separate Peace - John Knowles
Genre: Exploration of the themes of A Separate Peace, Gene acknowledges that he's fucked up, Gene is self aware, I'm not sure if I want to make it an actual relationship fic, Introspection, Letters, M/M, Not overly academically but there's still much reference to what were big themes in the book, Teen Angst, but I can be persuaded
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 15:16:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20798729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauren_Flowerpot/pseuds/Lauren_Flowerpot
Summary: Gene thinks about how he's acted towards Phineas and just wants everything to be how it used to be. He wants the closeness that before he had cringed away from. He wants his best friend back.





	I'm sorry

The melodrama of the sun casting amber light over the fields was what I shut our curtain to.

Finny’s back was to me as I slid underneath my own covers. I could tell that the thought of his accident being my creation had been marinating for a long time. He was starting to fully understand, and I had never more regretted the action.

The silence before sleep, usually associated with the solemnity of prayers, was no longer restricted to that time. It flowed into every moment we faced each other. He felt betrayed, and I felt too shameful to raise the issue.

Nonetheless, I still prayed at night. I prayed that Phineas and I would be saved from this catastrophe. But being selfish as I am, I most wished for the comfortable closeness that used to define us. That used to plant suspicion in it’s beholders, that slithered into their bellies and prodded them to make accusations of things I was not ready to face. I longed for that closeness, and cared less about it’s implications than I ever had before.

As Phineas’ breathing evened out, I took out a journal from between my bed and the wall. I examined every draft of the same letter. I thought of better words, clearer phrasing, or maybe just a new message. Anything to make Phineas understand. I needed him to understand.

_Phineas,_

_I know you know what I did, but what I need you to know is that I'm sorry. _

_The words don't do much to chip away at the scale of what I did, but I say them because they are what I mean. _

<strike> _I miss you _ </strike>

_<strike>I wish you could understand how much I regret it.</strike> _

<strike> _I'm sorry. _ </strike> _ I wish I hadn't acted in aggression when you had shown me kindness. I wish you could feel safe around me now. I know I've done nothing to help you do so. I_

_ want to hold you, that might prove that I can be trusted.<strike> That would make me feel better</strike>. It isn't about me. None of this was about me. _

_Let me prove that I can be trusted Phineas. I can stand at an arm's length, I can do whatever you need me to. I<strike> want to provide whatever you need from me</strike>_

_I want to be <strike>your friend</strike> <strike>close to you</strike> better. I want to do everything I can to <strike>be close to you again</strike> to regain your trust._

_Tell me what I can do<strike>, tell me how to be better.</strike> I'm sorry._

<strike> _If I could go back and knock myself out of that tree before I had a chance to hurt you, I would. I would have thrown myself from that limb head first if I'd known this would be the result._ </strike>

<strike> _I wasn't thinking._ </strike>

<strike> _I don't know what came over me._ </strike>

_I can't explain to you why I did it, I've just barely been able to figure it out myself. <strike>I don't think you'd understand. </strike>_

_I didn't want to be your competitor, I didn't want to see you how I saw you. I didn't want this to be how I thought it was. I was stupid<strike>, and you were kind.</strike> _

<strike> _I miss you_ </strike>

_Please forgive me. <strike>I lo </strike> _

_<strike>I'm sorry.</strike> I was wrong. I was selfish. I<strike> didn't want you to be better than me.</strike> <strike> I knew you were better than me. I'm sorry</strike>_

It was as far as I'd ever gotten, line after line I'd angrily scratched away. It was pathetic. 


End file.
